Obama
Five students.
1 teacher, and many smiles. The
publishing class was invited to see Barack Obama and many others speak. The day of the event was a Friday
afternoon. We had to leave school pretty
early. So I got to school that morning
at around 7:20. I wanted to get there
early so that I could grab my books. The
6 of us all gathered in the parking lot of our school in well-dressed
clothes. We all were very excited for
this event! So without further of due, we hopped in the car and got on our way.
The drive was about an hour and 45 minutes.
On our way, we stopped at Dunkun Donuts and got refreshments and
something to eat. Finally we got there
and it was packed. We took a shuttle that took us to the field where he was
speaking. We had to wait in line for a
long time. An hour had past and we were
past the medal detectors and the security and found our places to sit for a
little while. We knew that it was going
to be a wait until they started speaking so we got out our notebooks and started
writing. That was what we were there for
anyway. It didn’t take as long as I expected because after writing for about 5
minutes, they started talking and we all stood up. A few people that I didn’t
know started talking about their experience of voting the past year for Obama
and how they think that everyone should vote for Obama. Then one more person talked about kind of the
same thing, then he finished his speech.
There was a very long wait until the next speech so we sat down and
wrote some more. I looked up and saw
everyone start standing up again so I followed everyone’s lead. All of a sudden a man came up and introduced
Joe Biden! He came running onto the stage!!! He seemed like a very nice man. He talked for about 15 minutes then said,”
Now I’m about to introduce a man who is very similar to the man that they’re
going to bring to the stage.” I knew
that that meant something good was about to happen; so I got out my friend’s
video camera and started videoing. I was
so happy that the camera started shaking and I started sweating even more! Finally, as the music came on, Joe said, “NOW
INTRODUCING… GOVERNOR, JOHN LYNCH!” Even though I had already seen him a lot
and met him in person 3 times, it still made me excited and I still yelled and
screamed very loudly. John Lynch talking
for about the same amount of time. I
didn’t see it coming but all of a sudden, he repeated Joe Biden by saying,”
NOW, INTORUCING… THE MAN YOU ALL CAME HERE TO SEE… YOUR PRESIDENT, BARACK,
OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” You
wont even believe how loud it got!! I screamed louder than I have ever screamed
before. I couldn’t even believe that I was so close to the president of the
United States! I took so many videos of
his various speeches that I think I finished all of my friend’s memory on her
camera. During one of his speeches I
could have sworn that he looked right at me. So I waved at him and he smiled and gave me a
little nod. I felt shivers go down my
back. I was also a little surprised that I understood what he was talking
about. I was very interested about what
he had to say. It made me really want to
vote for him even though I’m not old enough.
After the whole speech Joe Biden, John Lynch, and Michelle Obama and
Jill Biden walked out and got pictures taken.
We went out and stood in line for the shuttles. 3 hours past and the busses had finally come
and we got in our car and drove. We
stopped for ice cream and the small was 7 SCOOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!! We got home and it was the best day ever!!
But the bummer was that I couldn’t make it to my FH game and they lostL but we have plenty
other games to make and not plenty times to see Obama J
Pheobe-
ReplyDeletethis is Pheobe's right? I like how you made it seem really exiting, but I think that you didn't do the event enough justice. I think that you could expand on it a lot more, and I feel like you were in a hurry when you wrote it. I think that the whole thing could be so much better. I like though, how you described really well how when Obama looked right at you, how you felt, adn I think that really added a lot to the piece
Liesl
Thank you! I will work on all of that. My mom said the exact same:) -Phoebe I have another draft where i focused on work choice and sentence structure.i will work on it more in class and submit it next week:)
ReplyDeleteYes, Phoebe, I agree with a lot of what Liesl says above. I think some things that will help you in the revision process are: using your senses--bring in the heat, the sounds, etc; using your thoughts as you experienced it--what were you thinking about during the wait before, the bus ride, etc; describing the people you encountered (there were lots of interesting ones!). These kinds of details will help it sound less like a list of events and more like the description of an experience that you will never forget. It might take a couple of drafts--but I look forward to the final one!
ReplyDeleteI agree. The first part sounded a little choppy to me though.
ReplyDeleteNoa
I'm excited to hear your edited version. I think you will do a really good job at explaining the ups and downs of our day. I think you should focus on the people we encountered and the suggestions I gave you.
ReplyDelete-Liz