my heart rate multiplies
by what feels like
one million
times ten.
Subconsciouslyby what feels like
one million
times ten.
I drag my feet
forward
to possibly the most important
day of my life
the arms on this worried body
weighed down
by mentally attached
cinder blocks
one on top of the other
with no other purpose
but to make things
more difficult.
Doing your best
speaking with confidence
can make or break
this
in front of
so many
people;
so many
people.
But
how can I speak
with any confidence
any at all
when I feel
like I’m going to
vomit
or faint
or possibly
worse?
Come on, stay strong
nerves can’t hurt you
but they stand in your way
of what might be
your big day.
Trust mespeaking with confidence
can make or break
this
in front of
so many
people;
so many
people.
But
how can I speak
with any confidence
any at all
when I feel
like I’m going to
vomit
or faint
or possibly
worse?
Come on, stay strong
nerves can’t hurt you
but they stand in your way
of what might be
your big day.
the hollow thuds
of my
numb feet
on this wooden stage
pound
in my ringing ears;
crossing to that podium
where a microphone sits
waiting, waiting, waiting
to amplify
my suddenly shy
voice
awakens more
butterflies
living in my stomach
fluttering their wings
nonstop.
And out it comesof my
numb feet
on this wooden stage
pound
in my ringing ears;
crossing to that podium
where a microphone sits
waiting, waiting, waiting
to amplify
my suddenly shy
voice
awakens more
butterflies
living in my stomach
fluttering their wings
nonstop.
this enthusiastic speech
that the audience has been waiting for
and guess what
I have fun.
Fun.
I don’t thinkthat the audience has been waiting for
and guess what
I have fun.
Fun.
I even knew what was
coming out of my mouth
or that I was
smiling to the crowd
as I walked off the stage
and those stupid butterflies
decided to migrate
somewhere far away.
Away.
Come on, stay strong
because nerves can
stand in your path
but they won’t stop me;
No way.
because nerves can
stand in your path
but they won’t stop me;
No way.
I LOVE the migrating butterflies! Some of your language in here is just stunning--the cinder blocks, the words amplify, multiplies...great!As with your other poem, I would go through and check if every word here is needed--where can you trim? And play with the line spacing. Otherwise, you have targeted a topic that really resonates with so many people terrified of a performance!
ReplyDeleteI agree. Is this just prose in poem format though? If not, how can you distinguish the two?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Noa in the fact that I am wondering if it is prose or poetry? If it is poetry, you should try to, like Mrs. Miller told me, to say things about your topic in a way that no one else would think of, ways that are unique to you. If you were to change it to prose though, I think that you could make it have a lot of good details and things that people could relate to. With turning it to prose though, that would open up a whole new box of problems. I think you should just keep it prose and work on the editing (This could be a great one to publish, as so many people can realate)
ReplyDeleteLiesl
I agree with all the comments above! I think that you could use more of what Mrs. Miller said in class about putting strong verbs and not many week adjectives. If there are adjectives, then switch it up and change the order and put them in front of the big noun! Great job though!
ReplyDeletePhoebe
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ReplyDeleteThanks for all of your comments! I'm going to bring this in Monday so I can get some feedback in person. I would prefer to keep this as a poem, I know I will need to change things in order for it to sound stronger and so it will flow better as a poem, but your advice has been helpful to me and I will consider your suggestions.
ReplyDeleteI know we went over this on Monday but I just think that if you take out the unneeded parts and add stronger lines like "and those stupid butterflies decided to migrate far away." I really like those parts of your poem because they make it seem so strong and professional! I can't wait to hear your finally piece!
ReplyDelete