Floating high in the sky, the sun, the source of all my pain and misery, shone its bright and hot rays down onto my feeble, tired body. I trudged alone in the desert sand, miserable. My clothes were in tatters and I was completely dehydrated.
Four weeks ago my plane crashed, leaving me the lone survivor. Hoping that I chose the right direction I walked, hoping to see the bright lights of a city or at least the houses of a small village. Desperate to find food, I ate whatever came across my path that was edible. Occasionally I would run into and drink from a pool of water, left by one of the scarce rainstorms. Those were lucky breaks, and I knew I would most likely not find food or water again.
As I trudged miserably, I began to see a line of green on the horizon. "What is this?" I thought to myself. Hoping that it was anything that could help me, I dashed for it, using the remainder of my energy. Panting and wheezing, I looked and saw a miracle. A line of trees was directly in front of me. A jungle. I knew there would be water in the jungle somewhere, so not caring about what dangers I might face within the lush forest I rushed in. Finding a small pool of the precious H20, I drank greedily, water dripping of my chin. I felt revitalized.
Energy coursing though me once again, I got up and scanned the area. Choosing a random direction which wasn't towards the dreaded desert, I hiked. Ecstatic, I started to skip through the jungle. Then something terrible happened. I woke up.
I gasped for breath, wiping my hand of sweat after awaking from the vivid dream. I looked around and sighed, miserably. It was all a dream. I was still stuck in the desert with no food and no water. Knowing that I had almost no hope of surviving, I started to weep into my hands.
Noa,
ReplyDeleteI like the scene in which your story takes place, and I think the idea of being stranded in a desert after surviving a plane crash is a very interesting topic to write about. I think you could make this longer, and maybe, instead of waking from a dream, the main character could continue journeying through the desert and jungle and you could add some serious action into the story, or maybe there's a reason behind the main character's dreams... just some ideas! :)
-Lindsay
Noa-
ReplyDeleteThis story is so vivid and real, it is like a movie playing in my head when I read it. You do such a good job making your prose descriptive and easily immagined. I think that you could make the scene where your character collapses in the sand and weeps for that which is not a lot stronger, it sort of seems like you were in a hurry to finish the story.
Liesl
Noa, Your opening really draws us in with its vivid description. But then there are parts, like Liesl says, that feel rushed. I wonder, too, about the waking up in the end. What if there is another ending to this? You do a magnificent job with scene here--it is perfect--so in a revised piece, I'd love to see character. Is he panicking? What is he feeling and thinking? That would really flesh it out.
ReplyDeleteNoa, I agree with all the above. I think that there should be more to the story and I think that you did seem rushed in the ending and that there should be some suspense so that people will want to read a lot more! But great job and I love the way you first set the scene with the appositive phrases and great vocabulary!! :)
ReplyDeletePhoebe