Sunday, October 28, 2012
The Hockey Game Phoebe
I step onto the ice for the 3rd period. My sharp edges cut against the ice making a sound that echoes throughout the rink. The whistles blows. Getting into position, I here my coach yell, "be ready Phoebe!" The puck drops and I explode to get it. Eleven minutes past of pure intensity. I receive a pass from my teammate. I stickhandle around a defender and now its just me and the goalie. I here my bench counting down from 5. I lean on my stick and fire it. I close my eyes in hope to here cheers, and thats just what I heard. "The game winning goal scored by number eleven, Phoebe Day!" the announcer belts out to everyone. I go into the locker room feeling as happy as ever.
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Phoebe,
ReplyDeleteI like this story a lot, but I think you could play with the sentence structure to make the piece of writing flow smoother. It must have been a great game. :)
-Lindsay
I agree with Lindsay. I also noticed a capitalization error in line 3.
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