I kneel on the cold, damp grass. I stare in disbelief at Tom, my friend of ten years, lying in a mangled heap on the ground. Flames crackling, the car we were in sits in an unrepairable mess, hood in the trunk of a large redwood tree. The autumn wind blows, carrying my friend's spirit into oblivion.
"This can't be happening," I think to myself as tears stream down my face, frozen in shock.
Minutes prior, Tom and I were having the time of our lives. Having graduated from high school, we were of to a post-grad party. While outside the car it was a torrential downpour, we were thinking of the good times to come -- not only at the party, but at Johns Hopkins University, where we were to attend next fall. Tom and I had bright futures ahead of us. We both were straight A students and were the stars of our respective varsity sports teams. Both of us wanted to get degrees in medicine, and we were on our way to success. While I was the more pessimistic of one, Tom always had I smile on his face that seemed to infect everyone who looked at him, including negative me.
We were laughing and listening to our favorite music as we sped through the almost flooded roads. Suddenly, on a sharp turn, the car slipped and we headed straight for the large trees off of the road. Screaming in fear we braced ourselves for impact. As the car hit the tree, we were thrown forwards. The airbags deployed I was safely stopped, but Tom who hadn't been wearing his seatbelt, violently flew through the windshield out of the car. Hurriedly opening the car door and ignoring my own wounds, I hobbled out and began to search for my friend.
"Tom? Tom!" I shouted desperately.
Then I saw him lying on the grass, limbs bent in awkward positions. You know what happened next.
Shortly after, an ambulance came to take us to the hospital. They already knew Tom was dead the second they saw him.
It was raining the day of the funeral. Everyone dressed in dark attire and wore grim expressions on their faces. Many cried, but I cried the hardest. I knew that he was never coming back, but I also knew that he would want me to move on. It took a long time, but after many weeks I finally managed to put a smile back on my face, like Tom always had on his.
This is a great story. I like the whole plot and how you explain everything that happened. You really show the relationship between the two and that is really important to connect with and move the readers. Because you wrapped it up well, I assume you're not continuing it and if I were you, I wouldn't. I think the only revisions are to change the structure of the sentences so that they don't sound like you are just spilling things out, "then this...then this...then this..." So great job, I really like this story. (PS: did you get the idea from health class?)-Liz
ReplyDeleteNoa-
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good story, and I think that your blog posts are getting more emotionally tramatic by the week. :) Like Liz said, I think that you should work on your scentance structure so you are not just spilling things out. I wonder though. Where are you getting these emotions and the feelings of your character? As far as I know, you have not been in any emotionally scarring, life changing events like this. And if this is true, mabey these are what a car wreck survivor would feel, but I think you could make your writing stronger if you talked to people who survived events like this, I think it would help A LOT. Not that its bad, it just could be stronger.
Liesl
Noa, I think that you did a wonderful job with the story. Like Liesl said, I wonder where you get these great emotional stories. I agree with making the sentence structures stronger. Great job with using the appositive phrases! It makes the writing so much better! Over all, great job Noa Lin!! :) -Phoebe
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