Sunday, October 14, 2012
Untitled by Phoebe
I stepped onto the stage and a spotlight immediately froze right on me. I glanced around the audience for my family, but they were nowhere to be found. They're late again; I thought to myself. I heard whispers traveling throughout the confused crowd. I opened my mouth to sing the first note of my solo but nothing came out. Sweat started dripping down my face, a salty orb of water sliding down my cheek. The piano assisted me and played my first note. I cleared my throat and looked down. I faded into a world where there were no fears. I started singing; closing my eyes slowly, hearing the crowd exploding with cheers and whistles I knewI had made it through the song. I gradually opened my eyes to see my family in the front row standing up with all video cameras, phones and iPods out. I bowed and ran off the stage to greet my friend waiting to give me a giant hug! I had done it!
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Phoebe--
ReplyDeleteI think you could go into more detail with this, because you did a good job of setting the scene and letting the readers know how you felt, but I felt like it just needed something more, like more description. If you're thinking of editing this, I would recommend that you look at you sentence starters and come up with some complex sentence starters so it will flow a little better. But, I think this is a topic that is easy for readers to relate to, which is a good thing. :)
-Lindsay
I agree with lindsay. I also think that the transition is very quick from being nervous to being ok. It feels sudden to me, so you could edit that a little. You also have some spacing errors like "I knewI had..."
ReplyDeleteThis is a really easy topic to write about because if you have ever been in this situation, you remember it. I think you wrote this really well. I do agree with the above comments because it does feel a little rushed and the transition, like Noa said, is too rushed. Extend on the part about you nerves fading away and make it seem like the song lasts more than a sentence or two. This is great though!
ReplyDeletePhoebe-
ReplyDeleteLike Lindsay said you could go a lot more in to detail than you did. It sort of sounds like you were in a hurry when you wrote this and that really comes through. Like Liz said, this is such an easy topic to write about and I think that you could make this better, what you have though, is really strong!
Liesl